ok there goes my chance to be in the sc. came to school late today. yet again. ran passed 2 counselors and 2 other nominees who were standing at the side gate doing their morning duties. (which i was actually suppose to do too.) ran up the stairs. down the linkway. pass another 4/5 counselors and nominees. INCLUDING MY MENTOR. reached the hall, all sweaty and panting. just in time for morning assembly.

seriously mann. what made me think that i stood a chance into getting into the sc? comparing with the scholars and the other ppl i seriously got no chance. ok now let me evaluate.

rally speech was a flop. interview didnt go exceptionally great . the garden opening wasnt all that extraordinary. i so feel like quitting at this moment and at this time. will save me the embarrassement and the disappointment. and i bet everyone's laughing at me. HAHA. HAHA.

tmr my final elections speech, and once again i have to go up there and deliver some speech. followed by some Q and A. i'm hoping no one asks me anything. cause i'll prob just freeze up there. i have no idea why. but ever since i came into mjc. i've been having stage frights as in severe stage frights. like the ones where you suddenly feel cold and its as though your legs will give way underneath. maybe i was too use to the comfort that tk provided. i took it all for granted. can i just be a closet nominee? one that rally from within her closet. this rallying is garnering unwanted attention. for eg: 'heys'/'bloody coward' asshole..

this is way off topic but i've been thinking lately. i wanna get married. and have children. ok this is mad and i must be going crazy. its just that lately there's been so much talk abt this and that. and it just got me thinking. how do i wanna live my life? how am i gonna make this one and only life that i have the best that it can be? i definitely wanna explore the world and all that. do great things blah blah blah. the after that? the natural stuff like settlig down with your soulmate. reproduce. and have a whole soccer team full of children. but what's standing between me and this ideal situation. is probably what i went through and the things i 've felt.

sometimes i stop and think and evaluate. i wanna stop it. but everytime i think of it. i keep having this thinking that once we end it. everything will be lost. and we no longer be as close as we are now. its like we're in too deep. we cant go back to where we were. can we?

7 april '09 11:22 am